My writing seminar last night was really an eyeopening experience for me. It was a reminder that I am a procrastinator.
This month is the start of my fourth, yes fourth, year in my PhD program. At times is has seemed that time has moved slowly, while at other times it is hard to believe that three years has already flown by.
My coursework in now behind me and now comes the really hard part – my dissertation. As I start to think about where to go next the first hurdle that I have to cross is my Capstone B article. Everyone who knows me knows that my passion is rooted in public education. From the first time that I stepped foot in my classroom at Lake Shore Middle School in 2003 until today, public education has been at the very core of my personal and professional pursuits. Even in the midst of working to attaining this degree, public education has been a major focus and hence the area of concentration for my article.
Finally getting to this point, although its been a journey of struggle and self-discovery, has been a process that has been pretty straightforward until I had to really focus on my own research and that is when the procrastination, and feelings of uncertainty and self-doubt, started to take hold. Can I really do this? Am I intellectual enough? Is what I have to say important? Am I meant to be here? The list could go on and on… and honestly it does. The list of self-doubt, which is ultimately grounded in procrastination, lives on in my head and I have to just tune out the ‘noise’ and focus on what I know – I HAVE TO FINISH THIS PROGRAM and I CAN FINISH THIS PROGRAM. I can’t let my procrastination, which thus breeds self-doubt, keep me from what I know God has for me.
I am not the first mother/wife to pursue a PhD… My accomplishments are not my own – the way was being paved for me long before I was even born. I look at my grandmother, my mother, my aunts, my sisters, my friends, and know that this is possible. I look at them and I am constantly inspired.
So…now is the time for me to move past my procrastination, self-doubt, AND make it happen. I am starting with the first word and moving to the second. I am trusting in God and my amazing system of support. This process is totally up to me, my success lies in my hands. Hold me accountable my friends – this is the homestretch! Here I go…